If hecklerspray’s mother’s only chance at a decent pension was to write a tell-all book about raising us to adulthood, there’d probably be an entire chapter dedicated to the time an iguana latched onto our nethers during a Caribbean camping trip, and kept its jaw firmly locked all the way back to the mainland.

It got us in an outhouse. We should have brought a flashlight.

Also there’d be a chapter about how that reptile-hanger-onner had us tied up in Customs for a day and a half. If this book actually happens, don’t anybody read it. We’d simply die.

When Britney Spears gets a tell-all book penned by her mother, it doesn’t get to have any lizard encounters included unless its about dancing with them in those new fangled southern churches. What it does get, however, is vivid accounts of Brit-Brit drinking at 13, drugging at 15, and watching her virginity sail over the horizon on the guardrail of a decrepit family tree house.

The tree house bit is probably not an actual excerpt.

Britney Spears and her mother Lynne have long had an apparent poor relationship. They tried to kill each once other or something, and we heard they had a full-on tug of war with Jamie Lynn’s recent umbilical cord.

The baby was still attached to it. So was Jamie Lynn. We heard it was very slippery, and in the end everyone laughed and had a good time.

If that is true at all you can read about it in Mother Spears upcoming book Through The Storm, which we heard is written in the spirit of Tom Clancy and an updated William Shakespeare. We’re waiting for it in paperback. If you read it don’t spoil it.

The Sun talks about the tome’s content:

“Wild child Britney allegedly first hit the bottle after joining Disneys squeaky-clean Mickey Mouse Club. Mum LYNNE claims 14-year-old Britney then had sex with an 18-year-old high school footballer soon after she quit the TV show. And she had her first taste of drugs at 15 when she went to Los Angeles to record her debut album Baby One More Time. The sensational revelations were leaked last night ahead of publication of Lynnes memoir, titled Through the Storm.”

Well a mother telling all of her troubled daughter’s most intimate secrets sounds OK to us, but if there is so much as a sentence of Britney shaving Federline’s corn-rowed back we’re gonna report it to some sort of ethics committee.

The book was supposed to come out a little while back, but it got postponed after Lynne Spears’ other daughter, who we think is named Rosebud or something, got knocked up by the teenage love of her life. Hopefully all that will be included in the sequel.

We’ve heard film rights have been acquired by Steven Spielberg, and the Nolan brothers are hammering out the script to give it that crazy Dark Knight appeal. As those two prefer to work with people they know, Christian Bale will be playing the part of Lynne Spears - and spot on too, no doubt.

Hey you! Do you want to watch an obese millionaire tell you a bunch of stuff you already know in an insultingly patronising way - for free?

You do? Then does Michael Moore have a treat for you! What with this being an election year, it’s Michael Moore’s duty to ram hectoring, boorish, borderline propagandaish political information down everyone’s throats until they literally fart tedium. Only this time, he’s going to do it for free.

Michael Moore has announced that his fans can watch his new movie Slacker Uprising for free on the internet. Provided they do it in a designated three-week window and live in North America, that is. If this doesn’t include you, don’t get upset - you can probably achieve the same effect by going up to a fat tramp and getting him to whine about the government for a couple of hours and then shout at a building through a megaphone.

As things stand, there’s quite a big chance that America won’t have a Republican president by next year. And, as such, there’s quite a big chance that Michael Moore will be out of a job.

Michael Moore’s really come into his own over the last eight years by churning out films and books all about the various ways that the Republicans have narked him off, so if Barack Obama gets into power he’ll be reduced to making documentaries about kittens and writing books called I Essentially Agree With Everything Now: The Dumb Noddings Of Michael Moore.

So, on the off-chance that happens, Michael Moore needs to go out with a bang. But not the old sort of Michael Moore bang - the sort where he’d deliberately break the law and then bitch about it for months after - this time Michael Moore wants to go out on a completely new type of bang.

That’s right - Michael Moore’s doing a Radiohead.

Not literally, obviously - Michael Moore isn’t going to make one of his eyes go all squinty and wail about existential alienation in a manner that depresses a teenagers - but he is going to give his new film away for free on the internet. BBC News reports:

Oscar winner Michael Moore is to release his latest documentary free of charge on the internet. Slacker Uprising will be available as a download to North American viewers for three weeks from 23 September. Moore said he had considered a cinematic release to coincide with the current presidential race, but decided the internet would best “help get the vote out for November”.

And, if you don’t live in America, plan to observe the three-week Karlstad treaty memorial internet boycott that starts on September 23 or just don’t like Michael Moore very much, here’s the closest you’ll ever get to Slacker Uprising - the trailer…

Clever huh? It looks to us like Michael Moore spent all that money filming his political tour of America but couldn’t really release it as a film afterwards because everyone ended up voting for George Bush - ultimately making the tour a failure - only to later realise he could pin it to Barack Obama’s upsurge in popularity and make it look as if he invented getting young people to vote all along. But we could be wrong.

Either way, it’s nice to be given stuff for free - even if we’re not geographically allowed to watch the poxy thing anyway - so just imagine how much nicer it would be if the film was about something other than two hours of people congratulating Michael Moore for being such a bloody decent person.

Judging by the ridiculous flurry of Batman 3 speculation lately, you’d be forgiven for thinking that every single human on Earth would a role in it.

But hold your horses, buster. Aaron Eckhart isn’t going to be in Batman 3. That might sound like common sense, seeing as how his character Two-Face stacked it to death off a building at the end of The Dark Knight, but apparently a handful of internet ninnies have decided that Two-Face didn’t die at all, and that both he and his silly voice will return for Batman 3.

And that’s why Aaron Eckhart has come forward to declare once and for all that Two-Face is definitely 100% dead. But don’t worry, disappointed Aaron Eckhart fans - he might not be returning for Batman 3, but copies of his 2007 Catherine Zeta Jones cookery-based romantic comedy No Reservations are still available to buy or rent on DVD. Yes, we thought that’d please you.

This whole Batman 3 malarkey is getting a bit out of hand, isn’t it. Because The Dark Knight has taken over half a billion dollars since it was released, everyone’s got so desperate for news about the sequel that they’ll believe any old crap that’s hurled at them.

But in reality, not much is known about Batman 3 at all. The only concrete Batman 3 facts are as follows:

1) Catwoman and The Penguin definitely won’t be appearing in Batman 3.

2) Despite this, Catwoman will definitely be played by Angelina Jolie.

3) In addition, Cher will also definitely be Batman 3’s Catwoman.

4) Johnny Depp. Definitely.

And they’re literally all the stone-cold facts we can tell you about Batman 3. All of them are unequivocally true. As is the news that Two-Face died in The Dark Knight and definitely won’t be returning for a sequel. No, really.

Seriously, Aaron Eckhart can’t make that clear enough. You know that bit at the end of The Dark Knight where Two-Face and Batman fall out of a window and everyone’s all like “Oh, Two-Face is dead” and Batman has to run off because there’s a dog chasing him or something? Yeah, despite what the corner of the internet that smells most like Clearasil and stale jism says, he is actually dead. Even Aaron Eckhart says so. Eckhart told Comingsoon:

He is dead as a door nail. He ain’t coming back baby! I asked Chris [Nolan] that question and he goes, “You’re dead” before I could even get the question out of my mouth. “Hey Chris, am I?” “You’re dead!” Alright, cool.

So that’s that - Two-Face is definitely dead, definitely not coming back and that definitely means that in Batman 3 Christian Bale will have to find someone new to growl incoherently at.

To take stock, then - Aaron Eckhart won’t return for Batman 3 because his character’s dead and Heath Ledger won’t return because he’s actually dead. Cuh, some people will do anything to make sure they don’t get a crappy, pointless, totally unexplained Cillian Murphy-style cameo at the start of the next film, won’t they.

This is one we thought would never actually happen, like Mike Myers making a film worse than Cat in the Hat (The Love Guru) or James Bond wearing jeans (Quantum of Solace), but it seems that, yes, at last, Colombia Pictures have announced that Ghostbusters 3 is to go into production.

News as to exactly which cast members are retuning to battle ecto-snot and giant computer generated Liquorice Allsorts is thin on the ground. We do know that Bill Murray said he would never do another one. Then again Arnie probably said the same about another Terminator, until he was paid a gazillion dollars for Terminator 3: Rise of the Girdle.

What we do know is that the writing duo behind the U.S. version of The Office are on board - Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg. This is good because the Americans’ take on The Office is now far from the rotting beached whale carcass of laughs it started out as, yet bad because it was Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis who wrote the original Ghostbusters film, and that was more fun than a duvet you could wear to work.

Though being as they also wrote Ghostbusters 2, which makes us so angry we bite the TV screen every time it stuffs up the holiday schedules, maybe some new blood is what’s needed here? If they can explain why most of the cast have now gotten so fat they probably need mobility scooters, then more power to them.

Details of the plot are predictably just guesses based on no evidence whatsoever. We’ll throw our two cents in and mention something about the old group handing over to a younger, ‘hipper’ team of Ghostbusters, because that’s the terminally upsetting rumour that’s been bounded about in the past.

Imagine it now, Seth Rogen leads Fred Savage, Jonah Hill and Eddie Griffin on a comedy adventure ‘to unite the people and save the planet’. It’ll make 3 Ninjas seem like fucking Spinal Tap, we just know it.

Still, hope springs eternal. If Murray does sign up it’ll at least give him chance to be funny again, instead of all kooky and weird and covered in more make-up than a corpse. Think Kingpin, not Lost in Translation. And if they can bring back William Atherton as Walter ‘pencilneck’ Peck we’ll be some right happy bunnies. He rocks harder than a Hellboy happy slap.

Listen, we know that Cradle Of Persia sounds like something that didn’t quite get into a 1970s sex manual, but that’s only because you’re a no-good pervert.

If that’s what you thought it was, then Cradle Of Persia might come as a bit of a disappointment to you. In actual fact Cradle Or Persia is a tile-matching game. But a jolly good one nonetheless - the levels are massive, the difficulty level is spot on and it’s only slightly racist-seeming. But not enough for you to worry about.

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